I’m taking a cue from my friend’s blog (http://misterandmissus.tumblr.com/) and today I’m going to give relationship advice.  Seeing as how no logical human being would ever ask me for advice, I’m going to troll some single’s forums for random questions.  I gotta be fast, my times almost done on the Commodore 64 at the public library.

(These are REAL questions with MY answers.  Keep in mind, the advice is given by a 35-year-old alcoholic who hates everything including puppies, babies and you.)

“I’ve a boyfriend who often buys me little things like chocolates. I love him dearly…” (BLAH BLAH BLAH BROAD STUFF BLAH BLAH) “I’m unsure what to do when he brings me things I don’t like.”

For example - 2 days ago he came home with a ‘special collection’ edition of chocolates I usually love which contained coconut versions. I hate coconut.

As I see it, I have 4 options:

1) Tell him outright, as nicely as possible, ‘thank you so much for the chocolates, but just so you know, I don’t really like coconut.’

2) Hint at it - ‘so um, tell me, are there any fruits you don’t like? Personally I don’t like mango, durian or coconut….’

3) Leave the coconut ones and hope he takes the hint for next time.

4) Eat (or hide) the coconut ones and pretend I like them.

I realise I will probably get abused for being ungrateful. I’m not ungrateful. If pretending to like them is the best option, that’s what I’ll do. But personally, if the situation was reversed, I wouldn’t want him to have to pretend to like things I gave him.”

Jesus, lady, i donno - tell that asshole boyfriend of yours that you don’t like coconut then go finish the last season of “Gilmore Girls.”  Goddamn…

“Is it a deterrent for a man to see a woman that truly knows what she wants and that of a serious relationship - without seeming desperate or pushy.

I am fully aware a serious relationship takes time… but i wont meet a guy that just wants casual booty and hope to “convert” him into a steady boyfriend!

Does it scare off guys a woman that wants a relationship and is open to take the steps for it? For my age range, it seems so… every guy wants non commitment!

Do I have to show my relationship-seeking intentions or do I just have to play it cool with guys to get a boyfriend?”

Huh?  Whazzat?  Oh.  Umm, you’re a whore.  Go to the clinic and check it out.

“So I messaged this girl a few weeks ago. She’s gorgeous and pretty much everything Im looking for. She viewed my profile and replied back to my message. I was so excited that I responded to her in a hurry, and asked a stupid question. She never replied back, and after waiting two weeks I feel like its time to try once more. My question is.. theres a alicia keys concert in my city soon, so should I just messagr her again, and ask her out to the concert? And if I should, whar exactly should I say to her?”

Wow.  You, sir, truly are James Bond.

To answer your FIRST question, no.  Give up.  And to answer your SECOND question (assuming that the first one was a desperate plea for me to say, “Yes!  You still have a chance, lil buddy!” or you wouldn’t ASK the second question…) you should mumble something under your breath like “youwannagotoaliciakeyswithmeisweartogodimnotastalker” because that’s probably what you’re going to do.

“Ok so, this might sound a bit ridiculous.  I have a problem in my sex life, aside from it being inactive.

Whenever I am with a girl I always outlast her.  I can keep myself going, but she always winds up finishing before I do. I like to give her multiples until we both finish at the same time and I will have multiples until the same is done. Is this normal?

Should I be lasting that long or” (BLAH BLAH BLAH STUPID GUY SHOWING OFF BLAH BLAH). “I’m not sure.

She usually winds up sore and tired and I’m left with a bad case of blue balls. I’ve finished like I mentioned” (BLAH BLAH BLAH MORE STUPID GUY SHOWING OFF BLAH BLAH) “but I still seem to outlast my partner.

As I said, it might sound like I’m telling stories, but in reality it has caused me relationship problems in the past and even stopped them. They get satisfied and I don’t. What could be wrong?”

Look, Junior, I could introduce you to a couple of ladies I know that will have you finish in five seconds flat, guaranteed.  Just bring fifty bucks and learn the words “not a cop,” “prostate massage” and “I want the Sonoma splash, stomp and plop” in Mandarin.

Or you could just stop having sex with old women.  Take it from me, the elderly tend to tire quickly.